


while the rest of me is waking up.

by porcelainsimplicity



Series: fine on the outside. [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Sorry I couldn't work K-2SO into this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 20:58:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9141949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: He'd always known that for any mission he went on he might not come back.  He'd known he'd signed up for a possible suicide mission when he volunteered to help Jyn.  The moment he'd heard the shield gate was closed, he'd known he was going to die for the cause there on Scarif.  And as he'd sat there on that beach, watching the shockwave head towards him, he was prepared to die.  But now he was on a ship, headed back to base, and he was still alive.Why was he still alive?  He should be dead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi. i fully admit that i am far better at writing AUs than writing canon stuff so if this sucks, and i fully admit that it might, i sincerely apologize. this is what happens when i combine my general melancholy about life with a bottle of wine and thoughts about rogue one. there's repetition in this, just an fyi before you start reading if you hate that sort of thing. sorry.

He should be dead.

That's all Cassian thought about as he lied on the floor on a ship that came out of nowhere, Jyn holding him close. Bodhi was stretched out on the floor next to him, someone pressing bacta patches all over him, trying to soothe the burns. Baze and Chirrut were somewhere nearby but he was not entirely sure where, could only hear Chirrut's voice softly echoing throughout the hull. 

“I am one with the Force, the Force is with me.”

Maybe Chirrut was right. Maybe the Force really was with them.

The ship was rattling the way all ships did in hyperspace, and Cassian assumed they were making their way back to the base on Yavin 4. That was good, he thought, because Bodhi obviously needed immediate medical attention, more than a bunch of bacta patches could provide. He supposed that a trip in a bacta tank for himself wouldn't be a bad idea, because he was definitely bleeding from the wound the blaster shot had left and he was certain he had several broken ribs from the fall. The pain was annoying though. The pain was reminding him he was alive.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

He'd always known that for any mission he went on he might not come back. He'd known he'd signed up for a possible suicide mission when he volunteered to help Jyn. The moment he'd heard the shield gate was closed, he'd known he was going to die for the cause there on Scarif. And as he'd sat there on that beach, watching the shockwave head towards him, he was prepared to die. But now he was on a ship, headed back to base, and he was still alive. 

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

 

 

The next time he opened his eyes, Cassian saw nothing but white until a med droid came into view. The droid rattled off a list of vitals and injuries and infections and time spent in bacta tanks before whirring away. Cassian thought he was alone but then a hand slipped into his and he turned his head to see Jyn sitting there, a soft smile on her face. She looked so relieved to see him, but all Cassian could think was that he was still alive. 

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

“Cassian,” she murmured. “You're finally awake.”

“How long was I out?” he asked, his voice dry and scratchy as though it hadn't been used for awhile.

“Six days,” Jyn said, her hand squeezing Cassian's. “The doctor said it was from the infection. It got into your blood.”

Cassian let his mind scan through the droid's words for a moment before understanding what Jyn meant. “The blaster wound?”

“Yes.” Jyn moved closer, reaching out to brush hair out of his eyes. “Chirrut and Baze will be happy to know you're awake.”

Cassian took that in. “And Bodhi?”

Jyn was quiet for a moment. “Bodhi's not awake. They're keeping him asleep.”

Cassian nodded. “How is he?”

“They won't tell us,” Jyn said, frustration creeping into her voice. “That's all we know.”

“I'll try to find out,” Cassian said. “They might tell me more.”

“Thank you,” Jyn said, letting her fingers brush along the side of Cassian's face.

The smile she gave him was something Cassian thought he could live for. But he wasn't sure he knew how to live anymore. He knew he was on a beach and ready to meet his end, and now he was lying in a bed back on base with Jyn giving him a smile that Cassian knew he didn't deserve. 

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

 

 

When he was released from the medbay, Cassian walked precisely twelve feet from the bed that he'd been in to where Bodhi was lying in a similar one, released from the most intensive care but still kept asleep while he healed. He'd managed to pull rank and convince one of the doctors to give him Bodhi's prospects three days ago, and Cassian had breathed a sigh of relief when he'd been told that while it would take a long time for Bodhi to heal, they expected him to recover.

Jyn's smile when he relayed the information made Cassian think again that it was something he could live for. But he was becoming more sure of the fact that he didn't know how to live anymore. He lost the will to live on a beach on Scarif with a shockwave of death hurtling towards him at a speed he knew he couldn't outrun.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead. 

Chirrut was sitting on the other side of Bodhi's bed, Baze standing behind him. Cassian had been happy to see them the first time they visited him, though he was concerned about the way Chirrut was using his staff more as a cane and the way Baze was favoring his right arm. He didn't know what they'd been through while he'd been in the citadel with Jyn and he wasn't sure he wanted to ask. All he knew from Chirrut was that they survived it, that they'd found Bodhi, and then the ship had found them. Cassian was glad Chirrut was there to tell him that, glad all three of them were alive and in front of him, but he knew he didn't belong here with them.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

“Captain,” Chirrut said, his voice soft among the beeps of monitors and the whirring of droids moving about. “You are conflicted.”

Cassian wanted to know how Chirrut knew he was there, still wanted to know how Chirrut knew he was a captain when no one had ever told him. Maybe someday he'd feel like asking him, but for now, he had to prevent tougher questioning. “I'm just worried about Bodhi.”

“No, it is more than that,” Chirrut said, shaking his head. “The Force is moving in troubling ways near you.”

Chirrut's mention of the Force made Cassian think back to the ship. “You know, Chirrut, I'm starting to think that you're right about the Force. I think it was with us.”

And with that, Cassian turned and left, unable to stay when he knew instinctively that Chirrut would figure it out. Chirrut would know and he'd try to tell him how the Force could fix it. Cassian didn't think the Force could fix the emptiness he felt. He didn't think anything could give him back the will to live.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

 

 

Two days after Cassian was released from the medbay, the Death Star was destroyed. The pilot that did it was a fresh eyed farm boy from Tatooine that Cassian had seen around a few times, and while most of the base was buzzing about Luke Skywalker for his piloting skills, he spent most of his time debating with Chirrut about whether or not Skywalker was a Jedi. Chirrut was adamant that while Skywalker was strong with the Force, he didn't know much about wielding it, and Cassian was forced to concede that point, because Chirrut would know better than he would. But the day that he noticed the lightsaber clipped to Skywalker's belt, he gleefully told Chirrut all about it. It was the first bit of joy he'd felt since Scarif, and after it was over, he found it maddening, because the joy made him feel alive.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

The meeting with the council was short and to the point. The crew of Rogue One wasn't in any shape to be going on any missions anytime soon, and Cassian was just going to have to accept that. Cassian wanted to protest, wanted to know when he went from being his own entity to being part of the crew of Rogue One. Didn't they understand how he needed a mission? If he could get back to what he knew, if he could rededicate himself to the cause, maybe the will to live would come back. Because without the Alliance, what was he? He was nothing, no one, nobody. So if he couldn't help the Alliance, why was he saved on Scarif?

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

Jyn was waiting for him after the council meeting, the look on her face telling him she already knew the answer the council had come to. She reached for Cassian's hand when he was close enough, slipping hers gently into his and squeezing it softly. 

“You know it's the right decision. And besides, you need a break,” she said.

“A break?” Cassian shook his head. “There's no such thing as a break in a rebellion, Jyn.”

“Yes, there is,” Jyn said firmly. “It's called letting other people take the lead for awhile. It's time to take a step back for a bit. When we're ready, they'll let us fight for the cause again.”

“And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?” Cassian asked, suddenly feeling so tired. “I don't know who I am if I'm not fighting.”

“Then maybe it's time to find out,” Jyn murmured, pulling on his hand. “Come on, I know you didn't eat breakfast.”

Cassian followed when Jyn started to walk, and as they made their way through the base, he realized he knew exactly who he was. He was the man who was supposed to die on a beach on Scarif in the arms of the woman leading him to the mess hall.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

 

 

The council made the decision to move the base to Hoth because their location had been compromised, so Cassian helped as best he could, wiping data banks and packing supplies into crates. Jyn was by his side for most of it, talking to him about what he knew about Hoth, about how Chirrut and Baze were doing, about what she'd found out about Bodhi. Bodhi became a primary concern because he still wasn't awake, and so Cassian took Jyn and went to the medbay and made it crystal clear to the doctors that the entire Rogue One crew would be on the ship taking Bodhi from Yavin 4 to Hoth.

“Thank you,” Baze muttered to him while they were following the doctors wheeling Bodhi's stretcher from the medbay towards the evacuation shuttle. “He belongs with us.”

It was the first thing he'd heard Baze say since Scarif. 

“He does,” Cassian agreed. “We will always take care of him.”

The journey to Hoth was long. Jyn sat next to him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, tucking her into his side. Her head drifted onto his shoulder and eventually Cassian let his head rest on hers, and it reminded him of Scarif, of the beach, of the shockwave of death hurtling towards him, of the end that he should have met.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

Two weeks after relocating to Hoth, Bodhi woke up. Cassian was hovering near the intelligence briefing that he wasn't allowed to be a part of when Jyn came running up to him, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him in the direction of the medbay without saying anything other than Bodhi's name. Chirrut and Baze were there when they reached Bodhi's bedside, and Bodhi gave him a soft but tired smile. 

“Cassian.”

“Bodhi,” Cassian said, his throat tightening with emotion that he didn't know he could still feel. “It's so good to see you awake.”

The four of them were ushered away from his bedside a few moments later by doctors and droids alike, but Cassian had seen Bodhi's eyes open, had seen the life in them, and knew without a doubt that Bodhi was meant to be saved. There was more to life that Bodhi was meant to contribute, more that he was meant to experience. Cassian had contributed everything he could, had experienced everything he should have.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

 

 

Cassian started to notice things like the way Jyn would play with her hair nervously whenever someone with hero worship in their eyes tried to talk to her or the way she would eat so fast because she still wasn't used to having regularly scheduled meals. And somehow, everyday he would manage to get that smile, the one that he felt like he could live for, directed at him, and he started to think that maybe he actually could.

And then the Empire came. 

General Rieekan ordered plan kay one zero be taken into immediate effect and everyone started scrambling. Cassian's priority was finding the rest of the Rogue One crew, because keeping everyone together was important. They'd made a plan that the rendezvous point was the medbay, because that was where Bodhi still was, and by the time Cassian got there, everyone was there. Cassian grabbed onto Jyn and held her close, and he didn't let go until they were on the evacuating ship.

When they got to wherever it was they were going, Jyn walked with him back to the room he'd been assigned, closing the door behind her. They stared at each other for a few moments before Jyn pulled him to her and held him close, and Cassian buried his face into the nape of her neck. He took a shuddering breath and Jyn tightened her embrace, running a soothing hand along his spine. 

“It's okay, Cassian,” she murmured. “Whatever it is, it's okay.”

Except it wasn't okay, would never be okay. How could it possibly be okay when he was there still breathing when he was supposed to die on a beach on Scarif?

“Why am I still alive? I should be dead.”

He didn't realize he'd said it aloud until Jyn's arms went as tight as she could muster, her hand coming up to tangle in Cassian's hair. 

“I don't know why you're still alive, Cassian. All I know is that I should be dead too.”

Cassian pulled back and looked at Jyn, saw the emptiness in her eyes, and did the only thing he could think of.

He leaned forward and kissed her.

Jyn kissed him back immediately, desperately, clinging to him as though her life depended upon it. And, Cassian thought as they struggled to divest each other of their jackets, maybe it did. Maybe his life depended upon it too. And so Cassian stopped thinking and let desire take over.

Jackets hit the floor, followed by shirts, then pants. They collapsed down onto the bed and lost themselves in each other for awhile. When it was over, Cassian lying on his back and Jyn curled up along his side, he took a deep breath and let himself dwell on the emptiness that was slowly coming back. 

“I still don't know why I'm alive. I should be dead.”

“I should be dead too. But maybe we just need to find something new to live for.”

Cassian thought about her smile and thought about how it was something he could live for. “Yeah, maybe that's it.”

 

 

After awhile, Cassian started smiling again. Maybe it was when Jyn started wearing his jacket all the time or when she would walk through the base holding his hand. Maybe it was when Chirrut gave his quiet approval and Baze gave his vocal one. Maybe it was when Bodhi finally was released from the medbay, despite the fact that it would be a long time before he was cleared for work. And slowly, the emptiness that he felt began to be filled with thoughts of friends and family that he'd never had before. 

Then he realized he was in love. And it terrified him.

Jyn became the most important thing in his world, and seeing that smile that he knew he lived for made every day better. Eventually there wasn't Cassian's room, Cassian's closet, Cassian's bed but their room, their closet, their bed. Chirrut was always smiling and Baze started calling him little brother to go along with his calling Jyn little sister and Bodhi looked at them with such happiness. 

It was overwhelming. It was consuming. It made him feel alive.

And he finally had his answer.

Why was he still alive? He should be dead.

Yeah, he should have been dead. He should have died on a hundred different missions and he should have died on Scarif on a beach with a shockwave of death hurtling towards him.

But he was still alive because he was meant to love Jyn Erso.

He told Jyn as much in the middle of the night after the second Death Star had been destroyed, after the Emperor had been killed. He told her that he thought that maybe there was life for him beyond the Alliance, beyond what he'd always known. He told her that he couldn't imagine spending it with anyone other than her.

Jyn just curled closer to him in the darkness, slung an arm lazily across his waist, pressed a kiss to his bare chest, and told him that she loved him too.

For Cassian, that was all he needed to remind himself that he was very much alive.


End file.
